Why do I feel dissatisfied?

I have noticed a common source of anxiety, self-judgment, negative talk, and self-dissatisfaction in my conversations with my clients. That source is often comparison.

These comparisons are with:

• Another person(s): you’re not as successful, accomplished, smart, wealthy, good-looking as this person(s).
• A supposed timeline or life marker: you’re not the VP yet, the parent, the social or thought leader that you expected to be by this stage in your life; “expected” being your own expectation from when you were younger or external/social expectations.
• A hypothetical measure of success: you’re not the “good” founder that a good founder is supposed to be like; you’re not the “good” parent that any good parent should be like, and so on. Note that when I probe deeper, it’s often difficult for clients to pinpoint exactly why that measure of “good” is the gold standard.

Your fullest potential: Similar to above, this comparison of what your current self is to what your ideal self or full potential self is. Depending on which internal voice is speaking, this can be punishing or motivating.

Comparison may sometimes be the source of motivation and striving, but it is often the source of dissatisfaction.

Here’s what we know about comparison:

• It’s natural
• It gives us some bearings to how we are in relation to others
• It can spark a healthy competitive spirit or a sense of striving
• It is often a source of anxiety and self-criticism

Let’s dig deeper on what comparison is, why we do it, and what to do about it.

Comparison is natural and unavoidable

We are hardwired to compare ourselves with others. Research from psychologists at the University of Illinois reveals that more than 10% of our daily thoughts involve some form of comparison. According to psychologist Leon Festinger, this behavior is driven by a basic human desire for self-evaluation. Social comparison theory states that we learn more about ourselves by comparing ourselves with others.

These comparisons can be divided into two basic categories:

Social norms and opinions: In situations where our self-evaluation is uncertain, we rely on the opinions of others to compare our own; seeking their input to help fill in the gaps.

• e.g., I’m unsure of how to vote in the upcoming elections.
• e.g., I join a new company and notice that everyone comes to each meeting 5 minutes late rather than on the time indicated in the calendar. This comparison helps me understand the social norms of this new company.

Abilities and performance: Comparing our performance extends beyond self-evaluation; it serves as a benchmark of our abilities against others. In such instances, self-evaluation is rooted in our desire to perform at a higher level.

• i.e., I’m slated to be on a conference panel and I’m unsure of the other panelists’ profiles and skills. Seeing that the other panelists have less work and speaking experience than me, I feel more confident in my own abilities.

Comparison affects you both negatively and positively

Social comparison is a bi-directional phenomenon where we compare ourselves to people we perceive as better than us (upward comparison) or worse than us (downward comparison).

Upward comparisons have the potential to pose a risk to our self-esteem, but it can also evoke feelings of admiration towards others; usually in domains that are not relevant to us.

• e.g., a rising young golf pro may feel threatened meeting another rising young golf pro who also just launched a clothing brand, but may enjoy meeting a fellow overachiever in a domain that isn’t self-relevant, like a famous Formula 1 driver or an award-wining author.

Downward comparisons can help us improve our self-esteem and increase our confidence in areas that are relevant to us. However, downward comparisons can also lead to feelings of superiority or bigheadedness (if that’s not yet a word, please consider this coined by Bea Kim, 2023).

• i.e., a person training for a marathon might feel better about her self-described “slow progress” if she learns that an acquaintance has slower times and less endurance than her with the same training schedule.

So in effect, when we upward compare:

• Positive effect: we are inspired to strive
• Negative effect: we are dissatisfied with our own lot and can feel envy (all the comparison examples I provided at the beginning of this post falls into this bucket!)

When we downward compare:

• Positive effect: we feel gratitude for our own circumstances (what I call comparative gratitude)
• Negative effect: we can feel scorn or experience an exaggerated sense of self or ego (i.e. “bigheadedness”)

What you can do

Although I provided examples of downward comparisons, these tips are really laser-focused on the upward comparison / negative effects of dissatisfaction and potential envy because this is the most common types of comparison (that causes anxiety) I see in my clients.

1. Identify your activators for comparison: Are there particular people(s), areas of your life, skills or competencies, social media, that activate that comparison anxiety? Pinpoint them so you can evaluate these comparisons more objectively and less personally.

2. Recognize your comparisons are unrealistic and unfair: As I mentioned previously, we often compare our weaknesses to others’ strengths or best versions of themselves. We also compare ourselves to a handful of people’s best qualities we’ve mishmashed into one “mythical creature.” You want to make as much money as Tyrell, be as family-oriented as Helen, be a star athlete like Melba, but do you also want the other parts of their lives too?

3. Consider what you’re trying to achieve when making a comparison: If you’re trying to become a better public speaker, comparing yourself to your most Netflix-show-ready friend is only useful if you focus on the ways that you could become more like them. Do they have a speaking coach? Top notch online recording equipment? Compelling speaking topics?

4. Compare present you against past you: One of the biggest gifts I can give to my clients is being a reminder of their growth, because it’s so easy to dismiss how we’ve changed. Take a few minutes at the end of each month to reflect:

• What have I learned (about myself) this past month?
• What are some ways I can measure my growth now? E.g., before it was all or nothing — am I feeling badly about myself yes or no? Now, I’m realizing growth is also measured by frequency (less self-critical thoughts), intensity (self-criticism is less vicious), duration (I can bounce back quicker), etc.
• How do I want to apply my learnings moving forward?

5. Know your true north aka Values: The foundation of my life approach and coaching is based on knowing your values. If you know what’s important to you and align your actions to those values, then it’s easier to make decisions, be fulfilled, and be at peace. This is the difference between running towards your values versus running away from being “not good enough” based on whatever comparative measuring stick you have.

Remember:

Comparison is natural and it can be motivating and a supportive self-evaluative tool. However, only you know when comparison becomes punishing for you. Solve for you. Spend your time and energy fulfilling the vision you have for your life and no one else’s. As my husband and I tell our kids every single day: “We only have one Owen!” “We only have one Stella!” Always in the context of how special they are, how they need to embrace who they are. (And sometimes jokingly how we can never replace them so they better be careful when they do their dangerous antics!)

So remember, we only have one you! Solve for you!

If you enjoyed this article and want to learn more about my coaching services, feel free to reach out and schedule a chemistry call with me here.

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